In situations of conflict there are two basic strategies : Avoid, or address the conflict, known as “fight or flight.” Both strategies have their advantages and disadvantages. Many of us were taught avoidance instead of addressing a conflict. Let us take a look at the advantages and disadvantages of the flight strategy (avoidance) since it is often a default reaction, starting with the advantages.
A big advantage of avoiding a conflict is we don’t have to be in touch with challenging emotions like frustration, disappointment, helplessness, vulnerability, and sadness. These are feelings none of us particularly like. We also feel uncomfortable causing them in others. Imagine you confront someone over an issue and the response of the person is to verbally or physically attack you. You learn for the future that it is safest not to show your feelings and avoid conflict. Often, when we avoid a conflict, things seem to go along more smoothly. There is no arguing, no yelling, no crying, no physical violence and no interruption of our actions. Keep in mind if the conflict is minor and not that important, it is wise not to address it.
What are the disadvantages? Most importantly, when we avoid conflict, we can easily build up resentment, which is extremely toxic for a relationship. Resentment can cause us to eventually give up on a relationship and can even make us sick. It can cause us to become cynical or physically aggressive. Feeling resentment towards our partners might cause us to end the relationship abruptly. Avoiding conflict over a long period of time can really have a devastating effect on all parties involved, including children and other people who might be impacted but are not directly part of the conflict. If the strategy of avoidance becomes a habit we may be in danger of denying our own feelings to ourselves. When we deny our own feelings, we can not discuss them with our partners nor take care of them in a positive way.
The possible damage caused by the flight strategy to individuals and their relationships is sad, but what I find a pity is how many opportunities are being missed. Opportunities that may not present themselves otherwise. We might believe by avoiding a conflict, we are doing ourselves and each other a favor, but in reality, we often miss out on getting to know each other on a more honest and intimate level. We miss learning more about our differences and getting a better understanding for ourselves and the dynamic of our relationship. We risk missing out on deepening our connection with someone we really love and care for.
I am not suggesting that you confront each other about every tiny issue. People actually can get addicted to fighting with each other, which causes more damage than good to a relationship. I still find “Pick your fights!” good advice. But if it is something that truly matters to you it is worth addressing it. The good news is that we can learn talk about a conflict without getting into hurtful arguments.
When we learn to express our frustration without blame or critique, nobody needs to become defensive. When we are able to detect our unmet need or disappointed dream behind our frustration and learn to express that to each other, instead of showing our anger, we can stay connected. As a result, we are better listeners and communicators. Solutions can be found. Even if no solutions are found at the time, there is understanding and a deep respect for one another.