When we fall in love, we constantly send verbal and non verbal signals out showing how much we appreciate and adore the person with whom we have fallen in love and how excited we are to be with that person. We are drawn to one another and it feels as though we can not spend enough time with each other. It is even painful to be separated. I am sure you know what I am talking about.
The intensity of those feelings change naturally when the honey moon phase of a relationship is over. When we are in a long term relationship, and/or when we become parents, we may not express our appreciation for our partners enough. We usually are so busy with our every day lives, we simply forget to show appreciation for one another and start taking each other for granted. Even if this is just perceived, it can hurt a relationship. Expressing appreciation for each other usually does not flow as easily and naturally like it does in the beginning of our relationships. However, our partners, ourselves, and our relationships always need some nurturing and attention. At this stage of a partnership, for many of us appreciating each other has to become a conscientious act, which can turn into a new habit.
Referring to the garden analogy, expressing appreciation and admiration for one another is a wonderful and important fertilizer for any relationship. It is a real relationship booster. Being appreciated makes us feel special and noticed by our partner. This promotes our willingness to continue to contribute to our relationship and the projects we have together; it also deepens our connection, creating a strong feeling of togetherness. Things we need when we are facing moments of stress and conflict, which are part of life and part of being in relationship. Putting extra energy into appreciating each other is not only helping us as human beings, it also strengthens the relationships we have with one another.
What I see in my work with couples, and it is scientifically supported as well, is that couples who have a high level of appreciation and admiration for each other, usually handle conflict with more ease. Their conflicts do not escalate as much and, as a couple they recover faster. They feel genuinely happy in their marriage or partnership.
You might consider creating a daily habit or ritual of appreciating each other. The appreciation can be about something small like, “Thank you for making me a cup of coffee this morning, it made me feel special.” Or big like, “Thank you for supporting me all these years, even through my career-change. I could not have done it without you.”
You know much better than I do what your partner needs to hear or feel. One last tip. It is often the little things that have the big effect. Have fun and be creative.