Dependency Or Fear Of Attachment?

During my last Explore-Shop, “Turning Frustration Into More Intimacy”, one of the participants came up with an interesting question.

I was talking about the five basic needs we all have in a committed relationship, regardless of whether we are children or adults: 1)feeling connected and close; 2)feeling emotionally and physically safe 3)being accepted; 4)being supported and cared for; and 5)being appreciated and validated. I am not talking about relationships in which there is physical or emotional abuse going on, or in which one or both partners have a severe addiction problem. I think that these types of relationships are unable to provide those human basic needs, especially 1) and 2) above, and that the couple should seek professional therapy.

While everyone was in agreement that children have the right to have these five needs met by their parents, one of the participants asked whether those needs might create unhealthy dependencies and/or over-attachments as adults. He was concerned that if he allows himself to become so close and integrated with his partner, it could make him weak, and he might lose his independence. This is a fear I can totally understand and relate to.

I would like to use his fear to tell you a story, to which a number of you of a certain age may relate, and have a deeper look at his question. When I was twenty years old, in the circles where I hung out in Switzerland, women demanded loudly and openly equal rights for all women. I was surrounded by some women, whose utmost goals were to be financially, physically, and emotionally independent from men. A lot of them were heterosexual and some of them were even planning to raise their children on their own using men just as breeders. A similar movement was going on among men. They too were seeking emotional and physical independence from their female partners. I strongly resonated with the women’s movement and their fight for equal rights. I still do. But back then, it was all very confusing to me. In certain circles, holding hands in public or appearing obviously recognizable as a couple was considered uncool. Having just one sexual partner was considered uncool. I suffered greatly, because, if I was honest with myself, I needed commitment and emotional safety in a partnership. These needs were rarely met, because they were considered uncool and old fashioned.

When I look back at those times I think the relational experimentation that took place was very important and necessary and continues to be today. As an adult in my later 50’s, I have more clarity and a different perspective. I think some of us took the desire for independence too far. We wanted to become grown ups that were completely self-sufficient on all levels. However, we left a very important aspect out of the equation: We all are relational beings and our basic relational needs do not stop or change when we become adults. In order to continue to grow and evolve, we need closeness with others. We need to feel their commitment, their comfort and reassurance when life becomes too challenging, and we need to be able to bounce our ideas off each other, without being judged. In other words we still need to be in nurturing and supportive relationships, that make us feel safe. There is one significant difference between a child and a grown up. As adults we are responsible for our own happiness and quality of life and we will never be able to delegate that. We need to continue to do our own inner work if we want to be in a healthy partnership and be a healthy partner. I believe that in a relationship it is healthy to allow ourselves to get attached to one another and therefore feel vulnerable.

I think it is more important than ever that we strive for mutually nurturing relationships, that fulfill our basic relational needs as human beings. Relationships that help us grow and heal on a personal level and on a global level as well. Marriage or committed partnerships can be a truly fulfilling and satisfying endeavor between two individuals, who share many of the same needs despite their differences. Especially if the couple is open and vulnerable with each other and willing to do the necessary work. I know that a lot of people look at their own vulnerability and those of others as a weakness or as something that scares them. I view it as a strength and as the best way to create real intimacy and connection, something most of us desire. I know from experience that feeling vulnerable and being able to express it is crucial when you want to create intimacy and trust. Acknowledging that we have relational needs is the first step.