Dear Doris
My partner wants to have sex every other day, while I would be happy with having sex every other week, maybe even once a month, depending on how busy I am at work. I feel a lot of pressure which makes everything worse, although fundamentally I like to have sex with my partner.
N.
Dear N.
It’s good you’re noticing the pressure you feel around having sex and understand how this is not helpful to you or the relationship. Be aware that many couples struggle with this same issue. It’s actually rare that partners have the same sexual needs or desires at the same time. As your example indicates, sexual needs can vary quite a bit. The good news is that you say you fundamentally enjoy having sex with your partner.
You mention that your desire for sex is colored by how much stress you experience at work. Stress seems to have a negative influence on your sex drive (as it does for many of us.) First, make sure you are getting enough sleep and self-care time, which will give you more energy to interact with your partner in general and also sexually. Some of us keep ourselves busy as a way to avoid sex while others don’t understand the importance of “alone time” and self-care. These types of busy-ness can all interfere with our sexuality. If you think that any of the above behaviors are part of your difficulties, you may want to reconsider your priorities and where having sex with your partner lies in importance.
Second, have you talked with your partner about your difficulties yet? It may be the perfect time to talk honestly about your sex life and start exploring it together again. Share with your partner how pressured you feel around sex and that you want to change that. Tell him or her how much you enjoy having sex together. Share particularly memorable sexual experiences you enjoyed with your partner.
Third, you may each want to rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten, ten being the most satisfying and vibrant. Ask each other questions about what you feel is lacking in your sexual life and what you each fantasize about? How could you take better care of your sexual life together? What would you need from each other to do that, how can you support each other better? In other words, make your sex life your new common project.
For a lot of people, having sex is the easiest and quickest way to relax and feel connected, but it is not the only way. If sex is not working well, you may feel disconnected even more. It can be tricky. In general, I recommend you both look for multiple ways to relax and (re)connect.
Sex should not be a chore. Sex is a way to interact, to explore yourself and each other, an expression of yourself and often your love. For committed couples, sex is also a mutual celebration of each other and their relationship together.
Warmly
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com