Being In Touch With “Exes”

Dear Doris

What are your thoughts about being in touch with “exes” while in a committed relationship?

G.

Dear G

Thank you very much for reaching out to me with a question that may involve feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. I think it is wonderful that you are in a committed relationship again. Being committed is a good foundation for any relationship. As usual, there is no one answer to your question. However, there is much to explore with your new partner and within yourselves around vulnerable feelings that may suddenly show up when an “ex” does. Whether noticed by you or not, these feelings can impact your new partnership.

We all bring our own relationship and life experiences into a new partnership. Like ghosts, our ex-partners can influence our interactions with our new partners and can impact our new partnerships whether they are physically there or not. For instance, they might “visit” us when we get intimate with our new partners, or plan our first vacation together, or (fill in the blank). Acknowledging this phenomenon and discussing it together will help you to be better prepared when it occurs.

You can start preparing by answering the following questions together:

-Are you both able to recognize and understand how seeing an ex-partner affects each of you and your new partnership?

-How do each of you feel about your ex-partners, positively or negatively?

-What feelings or reactions do each of you notice the most? Are you able to share them openly with each other?

-In which situations may your ex-partners show up like ghosts and influence you? How quickly do you pick up on the emotional signals?

Independent of your answers to the questions above, the two of you will have to decide how you want your “exes” (and the feelings they stir up in you) to impact your new partnership. Many of us are not aware that we have a choice here, but we do. You can choose to let past experiences and feelings about your previous partner bring conflict and insecurity to your new partnership, or you can let those old feelings serve as a source of information to deepen your understanding and connection with your new partner.

Whatever happened to us in the past we can create new actions and reactions. Old feelings and experiences need not to cloud our new partnership. The more open to your own feelings the two of you are, and the more each of you can avoid judging those feelings, the better your chances are that seeing an ex-partner will be a good experience. One that can actually deepen the connection in your new partnership and the understanding with each other as new partners.

Allow yourselves to be vulnerable with each other. Come up with strategies that will support both of you if either experiences feelings of insecurity, jealousy, abandonment, anger, sadness, hurt, etc. It can truly help to know what kinds of feelings you both carry toward old relationships and partners. Although we are always responsible for our own feelings, we can support each other in processing them. Sometimes, setting clear boundaries toward “exes” can be helpful.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com