Jealousy

Dear Doris

What do you do when you feel envious or resentful of the good things that are happening for your partner when you really want to feel pride and pleasure and happiness at your partner’s success?

K.

Dear K.

Congratulations on being so honest with yourself by noticing what you actually feel, despite the fact that you would like to feel differently. That you can acknowledge what is really going on in your heart and mind is courageous and healthy.

The fact that you are feeling some resentment tells me that you may have let slip your own desires and dreams for a while. Perhaps you have been supporting your partner in his/her endeavors to achieve success by ignoring your own desires.

If so, I think it is time for you to take a closer look at what feels unfulfilled in your life. What are your dreams regarding your career and personal life? Do you have any projects that you have put on hold, such as a special training on a subject close to your heart, traveling, writing, or giving one of your hobbies more attention?

In my personal life and work, I use jealousy as an indicator of what we ourselves would like to be doing, being, or accomplishing. It is important that we allow ourselves to explore our own needs regarding success and fulfillment. We can use our jealousy as an inspiration to expand ourselves and move forward. I’m sure your partner had to take some risks to get where he or she is today and so will you in order to live your dreams.

I recommend that you first figure out what it is you would like to accomplish; how you would like to grow yourself and expand your life. You might do that alone or explore possibilities with your partner depending on how you process things as a couple. In any case, share your discoveries with your partner and ask if she or he would be supportive of the changes you have in mind. I am fairly confident your partner will be more than happy to be there for you. When you feel more fulfilled yourself, you may be able to enjoy your partner’s success as you wish to do now. Hopefully, the two of you will have many future successes to celebrate together.

I almost forgot. If you contributed to your partner’s success by carrying most of the daily load for a while, give yourself a big pat on the shoulder. Holding the space free for him or her is huge. I’m sure your partner is aware of it too. On that note, you already have a lot to celebrate together.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com