Dear Doris
I have a very hard time saying no to people. What can I do?
M.
Dear M.
Congratulations that you are noticing how difficult it is for you to say no. And thank you for bringing this issue to my attention. Many of us struggle with it.
There may be a variety of reasons why we struggle with saying no to reasonable requests for our assistance or time. A common reason is that perhaps we were not allowed to say no as children, or when we did, it had unpleasant consequences for us. Some of your difficulties may even be rooted in American culture itself. When I came to the USA (I lived in Switzerland until I was 45), I noticed early on that a yes may not automatically mean yes in this country and that people give you a yes quicker than in my country of origin.
Let me point out two potential dangers when you say yes but really mean no. First, when you ignore your own limits too often by saying yes when you mean no, you can end up resenting the person doing the asking or feel guilty for not telling him or her the truth. Second, when you don’t follow your yes with the appropriate action or response, you may disappoint all parties involved, including yourself. A no may be disappointing as well, but at least the asker knows right away that you are unavailable and can find someone else or another solution. A yes on the other hand naturally fuels expectations and saying no at a later moment can be more disappointing than a no in the first place.
Whatever the underlying cause of your difficulties, I recommend you explore the feelings you create in yourself and around your relationships with others when you say yes and you are not certain you can deliver on your promise. Notice the feelings that cause you to say yes in the first place. Also, what is your biggest fear of saying no? What do you do when you realize that you can’t live up to your agreement? Finally, what happens to your relationships with people when you often say yes but can’t or don’t complete the task?
When you do the above exercise you will probably discover that saying yes when you may not feel like saying yes has immediate positive but longer term negative aspects. Being limited to saying no would also impact you negatively. Both limitations can harm you and your relationships. I think being truthful with yourself and what you can and want to do is the best policy here. A good rule of thumb is when you realize that you can’t keep your commitment, let the other person know as soon as possible.
Here’s to more mindful “yes-es” and “no-s” in our world!
Warmly,
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com