Dear Doris,
My husband is more of an introvert. He likes to stay home and I like to go out and be social. Those differences bring frustrations on both sides. I have stopped cutting my needs of being social and I participate in a lot of events without my husband. At the same time I miss spending time with him and I know that he would like to spend more time with me too. Is there a way out of this dilemma?
G.
Dear G.
That can truly be a dilemma. I know that many couples experience similar conflicts.
I think there are two risks that could possibly damage the connection between the two of you in the long run. The first one is that we have a tendency to think the other is wrong for being or feeling different. The other risk is giving up our individual hopes and dreams for our partnership and in our lives together.
Let’s look at the first risk. It is so easy to make each other “wrong” for being and feeling differently. And yet we all are different from each other in so many ways. Our differences are often the reasons why we were attracted to each other in the first place. Instead of tendentiously making each other wrong for being different, I recommend you consciously look into the benefits that your differences bring to each other and your partnership. Perhaps have a conversation about what staying at home has to offer and what is attractive about being more of a social butterfly? I am sure that you will find wonderful qualities in each other’s “expertise” if you are open to finding and discussing them. Qualities from which both you as individuals and your partnership can benefit.
Neither of you has to sacrifice his or her hopes and dreams either. Being in a committed relationship means that we naturally will expand each other’s comfort zones. The beauty of your situation is that your differences will enrich each other’s life experience if you both allow and encourage each other to move beyond his or her comfort zone.
I recommend you make a commitment to intentionally go out together and intentionally stay home together in an equal and balanced manner to start. Figure out a schedule that will accommodate both of you. You can do a soft start by letting the person who is being pulled out of his/her comfort zone to choose the event or the activity.
If you learn to accept your differences, you will be able to appreciate what you have to share when you come together after spending time apart.
And last, I want to mention that couples who already have a strong connection and feel strongly supported by each other, usually give first priority to their partnership and the well-being of each other. This does not mean that you have to do everything together but only that you consult with each other regarding time and schedules and when making important decisions.
Enjoy your differences and each other!
Warmly,
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com