Dear Doris
I have a niece who started drinking in high school in the 80s. She went through a 12-step program 15 years ago and was sober for approximately 5 years. She has been steadily drinking since then. Due to her alcoholism she’s been in and out of jail for DUI’s but always starts drinking as soon as she gets out. I believe at this point, my niece’s brain is so affected by her alcoholism that she has completely lost her capacity for clear thinking, telling the truth and critical judgment. My sister and I are very close and have always been there for her. It hurts me to see my only family members suffering and hurting like they are. We’ve spent endless hours talking to my niece, doing recovery/rehab research and trying everything we can to help her. It feels like we’ve lost her and I have no hope anymore. What can I do to separate myself from all my terrible feelings in connection with my niece (anger, frustration, guilt and sadness) but still be able to support and comfort my sister?
L.
Dear L.
My heart goes out to you, and the rest of your family. It must be very distressing to witness how your niece’s alcoholism/addiction is destroying her and is bringing suffering to the whole family. I can assure you that all the feelings you are experiencing regarding your niece are normal and common for anyone in your situation. I don’t think you need to separate yourself from those feelings. On the contrary, your feelings need to be fully acknowledged and processed. Most people with alcoholism in their families need the help of support groups, friends, family members, and therapists. Do not hesitate to reach out for support and if necessary seek out professional help! I recommend the same for your sister.
I am not an expert on alcoholism and addiction, but I know that it is a complex subject and often deeply rooted in the family history. Your niece’s alcoholism is not just her problem alone, it is a challenge for the whole family as a unit and needs to be handled as such.
I can only imagine how painful it is to watch your niece making the choices she makes. You may blame yourself for not dealing differently with certain situations involving your niece. Feelings of guilt for having done too much, too little, or the wrong thing will naturally surface, including a sense of helplessness. At the same time, it is never helpful to beat yourself up over things you did in the past. Shame or guilt will not allow you to find solutions, but only more misery. We operate with the knowledge and skills we have AT THE TIME. It is good to know now what you would have done differently. If it feels right to you, perhaps make amends to your sister and niece for mistakes you feel you made in the past.
You may be correct that on some level you have lost your niece and that you cannot do much for her at this point. Your niece’s body and brain may be so affected by her alcoholism that there may be no going back as you have mentioned. The best you and your sister can still do is to model healthy behavior for your niece and be honest with her about how you feel. It sounds like she is not able to accept the help sheneeds in order to heal. You and your family, including your niece, will have to face some very hard truths if the family is to heal and that takes a lot of courage. If you try to engage your niece in this process you will need to detach yourself as much as possible from the outcome. Having empathy for her together with clear boundaries for yourself will keep you from hurting emotionally more than you have to.
I can imagine you are all going through waves of grief as things continue to deteriorate. Grieving involves a range of feelings such as anger, disappointment, sadness, hopelessness, disbelief, helplessness, and finally, hopefully, acceptance. Being able to grieve with your sister will make the process easier for both of you.
Acknowledging the difficult truths in your family, the feelings that come with them, and clearly understanding what you can and cannot do for your niece, will promote your own and your family’s healing processes. While none of this will completely banish the pain and sadness, it may change your approach and conversations you and your sister may have with your niece in the future.
It is good that you and your sister have each other to process some of this challenging task together.
All the best.
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com