Dear Doris
My husband often talks harshly to our son when he refuses to do certain things or when he does things he should not be doing. As a result, our son has become more defensive and rebellious. When I reprimand or just talk to our son I try and incorporate more humor and lightness to get my point across. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. I also occasionally yell but I prefer to avoid it, as it does no good for any of us. It’s difficult witnessing my husband’s intense reactions and I have tried many times to discuss with him the differences in our approaches. He listens to me but denies that his tone is harsh and sees no need to change anything. I realize we all perceive things differently but if he could somehow recognize that his voice may be harsh to others, he might tone it down. He probably would counter that statement with the tone of our son is also harsh and therefore it is OK to answer him in the same way (yelling). I deeply wish to have a good atmosphere in the family. What would you recommend to do?
Dear B.
I totally understand your wish to maintain a good atmosphere in the family. Unfortunately, when we have conflicts with our children, the good family atmosphere can vanish. Sometimes, it naturally comes back quickly but sometimes we actively need to restore it.
It sounds like you and your husband have different styles of handling resistance from your son or on setting boundaries around certain of his actions. There are several aspects to this I find important. First, keep in mind what your overall goal is: to give your son optimal opportunities to learn which behaviors are acceptable in your family and those that are not. It is important that you and your husband act as a unit in front of your son and support each other despite your different approaches. If the two of you are undermining each other’s efforts in his presence, you open the gates for your son to play you against each other.
Second, if your husband’s approach includes not only a harsh tone but also sarcasm, cynicism, belittling, or name-calling, I recommend you talk with him privately, preferably when you don’t have any major conflicts with each other. Belittling, sarcasm, cynicism, and name-calling can be as damaging to a person as physical violence can be and is a form of abuse when done consistently. I strongly recommend avoiding those behaviors. Since this might be a tricky subject to approach with your husband, it is important to discuss and explore, not criticize. Critique often triggers defensiveness and an escalation of the conflict, or it may cause the other person to shut down. That is not what you need and want to create. Instead, you may want to look together at possible negative outcomes that each of your approaches hold and see which interventions get the best results regarding your overall goal. It is not about who’s intervention is right or wrong, it is about which intervention is most successful in teaching your son what you want him to learn. Keep in mind that children need clarity when being taught or disciplined. It is important to be in solidarity with your partner regarding consequences of behavior.
Third, observe if your husband and son are able to fairly quickly restore everyday behavior between them after a discordant incident. If either one struggles too long after the incident and/or carries resentments, you may need to help them smooth the waters. However, if your son’s acting out persists and/or your husband is verbally abusive, there may be a deeper problem and family or parental counseling/coaching might be helpful.
If none of the above is present, try to “go with the flow” when short term atmosphere disturbances happen. Remember, sometimes it can be good for our relationships to experience some stormy weather to clear the air.
Warmly,
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com