Doris Wier

Dear Doris,

A month ago, my younger brother (who always had a sarcastic streak), my sister and I had a conference call about our aging mom and during the call they kept addressing me by my old nickname, which I let go of a year ago. After the call, I texted them requesting to please call me by my full name. I was shocked by my brother’s reply, which felt like a punch in the gut. I called him in order to resolve it, but he was even ruder to me. I had to hang up because of the language he was using and was in tears, because it felt like I lost my brother. I tried to send him a thoughtful email letting him know that I love him but also about the difficulties I’m having with his language. I mentioned that unless he is able to speak to me with respect, all I can do is be a fellow sibling taking care of our mother. I apologized if I did or said anything to hurt him and to please not respond to my email unless he is able to own his own part in what is going on. Since then emails have gone back and forth about Mom but no acknowledgement of my email. I do not even know if he received it (emails do get lost sometimes) and am wondering if you have any advice as to how to move forward – or how to negotiate this relationship that sadly seems to be falling apart.

S.

Dear S.

I can feel how much your brother’s words hurt you and how much you would love to have a good relationship with him.

Be aware that issues among siblings most often stem from old, unresolved childhood dynamics and are very common. There are families in which those kind of dynamics have gone unresolved for generations. You might be dealing with an issue that has been passed down to you from a parent or grandparent because they were not able to resolve it with their siblings or other family members in their lives.

Who knows how your brother experienced you as his older sister in his childhood? Who knows what myths he made up about you back then? As his older sister, try to remember any negative or burdening messages coming from your parents about him that may have taken root.

Back to now. You are wondering why your brother has not acknowledged your email. Perhaps your email got lost as you said, or maybe he took you at your word and does not feel ready to fulfill your conditions for a response, nor does he know how to respond without getting deeper into trouble, or…?

I recommend you learn to accept how things are between you at the moment and look for emotional support and understanding among your friends and partner, if you are married or in a committed partnership. Try to collaborate as best you can with your siblings while keeping your mom’s best interests in mind as a team. This way, you may be able to experience each other in new ways. It is important to avoid any form of self-righteousness, which always promotes disconnection in relationships.

Acknowledge the feelings that get triggered in you by your brother, and find the emotional support you need elsewhere. This may be enough to start your own healing, which can help you experience your siblings, especially your brother, in a more mature manner. Envision how you would like things to be between you and him. Keep yourself open to this vision but do not insist on when and how this needs to manifest. Keep it as a wish that may be fulfilled someday or not. You only have control over your own feelings, actions and inner attitudes.

It might also be helpful, to not take things your brother says too personally. Usually, when people are nasty to others, they aren’t feeling very secure about themselves. Focusing on being a good team player, trying to understand your siblings’ perspectives, and appreciating what everyone is doing to help, including yourself, will make the task of caring for your mother much easier for you all. Also notice and praise what is going particularly well among you three. If things become more difficult and communication becomes harder between you and your brother, the two of you may want/need to seek help from a relationship coach.

Wishing you all the best!

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please write to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris,

When suppressed childhood pain and anger expresses reflexively, how can I avoid affecting my partner who is very sensitive?

A.

Dear A,

From your question I can see that you are a sensitive person and that you have your partner’s best interests in mind. You have good awareness around difficult, old feelings such as anger and pain from your childhood. I can tell you are eager to learn how to express yourself differently, which makes you a wonderful partner.

There are a couple things that come to my mind. First, make sure that your partner knows that she or he should not always take your anger personally, that often your anger stems from your childhood experiences. You may not have control over it yet, but you are hoping to learn to deal with these old emotions differently now. Also tell your partner, as you mentioned in your question, you are aware of his or her sensitivity and that your anger is hurtful. Re-emphasize how much you wish to communicate differently.

Second, upon mutual agreement, you and your partner might want to experiment with the idea of him or her signaling you in some way when he or she feels your anger coming out, helping you to stop it quicker. This way your partner has an active role in assisting you to stop this old behavior before your anger can spill over. It will feel more like the two of you are teaming up and standing united to protect each other and your relationship. Stopping the old behavior is always the first step for change. Explore other actions that might help you communicate differently and try them out. From my own experience, I know that we can help each other heal old wounds.

Third, I recommend you to explore your emotional pain from your childhood. Were you shamed and blamed? Did you feel neglected? Did you experience any form of physical violence? What do you wish would have happened differently in your childhood? Anger is so often a cover up of emotional pain, fear, and suffering. During your childhood, your anger no doubt felt protective and helped you to survive and feel less helpless. Today, your misplaced anger is obviously not serving you in your partnership. Being in touch with your vulnerability and allowing yourself to explore old feelings in more detail will help dissipate your anger as a reflexive reaction. Some people prefer to explore vulnerable feelings from their childhood by themselves through journaling or talking about it with friends they trust and/or their partners. Others have better success by seeing a professional.

Imagine what a difference it would make if you could share your emotional pain or suffering with your partner rather than aiming anger at him or her. Imagine how differently your partner might receive you and what might be possible for the two of you from this more vulnerable place.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris,

When you continue to hit the same problem over and over, can’t seem to make a change, what is there to do? We communicate about the issue, but there is never an effort from my partner to change the action/behavior. Do I give up, self-change, or wait, hoping for my partner to change?

Dear L.

A lot of couples run into the problem you’ve described here. You are asking yourself good questions. Although you and your partner have tried to communicate about the issue, you are seeing no change. This may possibly be one of those issues that come up in a partnership that is ultimately unsolvable. John M. Gottman, a relationship expert I highly respect, calls this a perpetual problem. With those types of issues, your best chance is to learn to cope with it, kind of like you put up with an achy back that bothers you from time to time. Similar to an achy back, you have to either accept it or find a new approach and/or understanding in yourself.

Let me give you an example of a perpetual problem. Let’s imagine a situation where the husband grew up in a family where money was scarce. He learned to be careful around spending. His spouse may have dreamt of being with a partner who is very generous and interprets his behavior as being stingy or cheap. Living with the partner she has chosen causes disappointment in her and creates ongoing disagreements between the two of them around money.

Let me also give you an example of a problem that is solvable with the same couple. The wife learns that for the next two months she has to work on the night that is her husband’s regular night out. Usually she would take care of the kids on those nights. He is not willing to give up his night out with friends. However, following a possible first reaction of disappointment and frustration, they are able to find a solution. They find that the grandmas are willing to fill in.

As you see, it is helpful to first identify what kind of issue you are having with each other, solvable or perpetual.

Keep in mind, we often end up in a power struggle over who is right and who is wrong when struggling with any type of issue or conflict with one another. This often leads to becoming entrenched in our positions and unwilling to budge. When this happens we lose our connection with each other, at least for that moment, and it becomes more difficult to collaborate in finding a solution.

With perpetual problems I recommend that you first identify the problem as such and then honor each other’s differences and the benefits those differences bring to your partnership. In the example I used above, having a partner who is careful with money would benefit the partnership by making sure the couple has a secure financial future.

Whatever issues you may be having, giving up is seldom a good solution. Giving up may create resentment. It is better to learn to understand and accept what is and stay engaged in the relationship unless there is severe abuse going on. Sometimes we have to let go of some of our dreams in order to be able to accept our partners for who they are and appreciate what is possible with them. There is no one on earth who can fulfill all our dreams.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris,

How does one maintain a sense of autonomy, freedom, and space in a long term relationship without causing the partner to feel neglected or disconnected?

B.

Dear B.

This is a very interesting question. Thank you for submitting it. As usual, there are many aspects to it.

A quote by Khalil Gibran comes to my mind: “Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but do not make a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

What Gibran speaks about, I think, is that in a healthy relationship, partners need to be able to pursue their own passions, be they in the form of work, hobbies, friends, etc. Our love always needs to allow for personal space. We don’t want to suffocate each other, nor our love. Desiring personal space doesn’t mean that we are less committed to each other or our partnership.

I think it is important that you allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come up in you when you feel like you can’t be alone or with friends because you are afraid of the friction this may cause between you and your partner. Examine the impact of these feelings on your partnership and your love for your partner as well. When you have clarity about those two inquiries, I recommend you have a heart to heart conversation with your partner. Share what you discovered. In addition, ask your partner what would help to make him or her feel more connected when you’re not there and see if there is anything else you can do to help your partner feel better. Listen to your partner’s needs and take them as seriously as your own.

Sometimes it doesn’t take much. Taking your time to consciously say good-bye before you leave, sending a text message in between, and consciously reconnecting with your partner when you come back might be all you need to do.

In relationships, we need to be able to negotiate. Maybe when you’re planning your alone time, you also need to plan your couple time together. Encourage and support your partner to also take time alone or with friends..

Be aware that many of us have abandonment issues from childhood and that this may be the underlying cause why your partner has a hard time giving you the space you need. Those issues can get triggered when you leave or want to do something by yourself or with someone else. It might cause your partner to feel insecure and may cause worry about the stability of his/her relationship with you. If your partner’s abandonment issues are severe, he or she may need psychological help to understand and resolve them.

Also be aware that some people avoid any and all conflict. They sometimes express this by leaving or by doing something alone. If you or your partner are conflict avoiders, it is important to learn how to address conflict instead of running away from it.

Allowing for personal space in a relationship, as Khalil Gibran so poetically pointed out, will bring new energy into our partnerships and deepen our love for each other.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

While usually one of you submits to me a relationship question to answer, today I’d like to address a burning question that has been on my mind for a while.

This summer, there was a stabbing in the village next to where I live. In this incident a father and a son were stabbed to death by a young adult the family had taken in two years ago and had loved like a son. The mother was severely injured and the daughter was physically unharmed. I have known this family for 14 years and the mother is one of my best friends. Everyone who knew the family and/or read about the tragedy has been emotionally affected. It was devastating news for all of us. I hope that the following article encourages not only my hope but also yours. 

I have, as do a lot of you, many questions and thoughts surrounding this incident. The question that has been causing me the most distress is how can my friend and her daughter heal from such a traumatic event and their huge loss? How can all the surviving family members heal? Although I have some experience with grieving and loss of loved ones myself, what happened to my friend and her family seems incomparable.

While attending the memorial service for the husband and the son, my friend revealed to us all her resilience and whole-heartedness when she opened the circle for us to speak and share memories. She spoke first and said three things that touched me deeply. This is what I remember her saying.

“When I woke up at the hospital I didn’t wanted to live. I was surrounded by so much love and kindness from my friends and family who came to visit me and from the personnel at the hospital. There was an abundance of love that I have never before experienced in my life. It was this love and kindness that brought my life spirit back and I was able to make the decision to continue to be a mother for my daughter Rhiannon.

We as a family made a conscious decision to take John (name changed) in and everyone was on board, my husband and son included. I do not regret our decision. Things didn’t work out the way we expected, but it doesn’t mean that our decision was wrong.

I don’t want to get bitter.”

My friend remembered later, that she wanted especially to let young people know that what happened to her and her family was extremely unusual and is not how the world normally works.

To hear my friend express these thoughts and feelings has given me great comfort and hope for her healing. Having witnessed how many loving people surround her who care deeply for her and her family is reassuring as well. I will continue, like many others, to show her and her family my love and support. I will continue to be there for them in any way I can. This is what I can do, what we all can do as community. Together, we already have built a great web of support. Let’s continue to build it.

I believe that with her words my friend has set the compass for her healing path and all healing processes in general, i.e., feeling genuinely loved and cared for from the people around us is the first step to bringing our life spirits back when we’ve lost them. It is important to take responsibility for our own decisions and actions and we need to live with good intention. To this, I will add one more aspect that I have found to be crucial in my own healing process: being aware of our own inner wounds and limitations, feeling empathy for ourselves and others will help us to accept what is and enable us to forgive. Yes, learning how to grieve and taking the time to grieve is important and we all have to find our own best ways to grieve. Forgiveness, however, is paramount in the healing process and is often the most challenging to achieve.

My friend’s words reminded me that we never can know what others have experienced emotionally or physically unless they are able to tell us and that they need our love and kindness, no matter what. We all have our own wounds to heal from, some graver than others. Some wounds need further treatment in the form of therapy, bodywork, self-help groups, bereavement groups, medical treatment, medication, etc. Her words make me aware that the first and foremost remedy for healing is always love and kindness. They are also part of our basic relationship needs. Love and kindness was and still is the legacy of my friend’s family. May they all be able to heal completely.

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris

My husband often talks harshly to our son when he refuses to do certain things or when he does things he should not be doing. As a result, our son has become more defensive and rebellious. When I reprimand or just talk to our son I try and incorporate more humor and lightness to get my point across. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. I also occasionally yell but I prefer to avoid it, as it does no good for any of us. It’s difficult witnessing my husband’s intense reactions and I have tried many times to discuss with him the differences in our approaches. He listens to me but denies that his tone is harsh and sees no need to change anything. I realize we all perceive things differently but if he could somehow recognize that his voice may be harsh to others, he might tone it down. He probably would counter that statement with the tone of our son is also harsh and therefore it is OK to answer him in the same way (yelling). I deeply wish to have a good atmosphere in the family. What would you recommend to do?

Dear B.

I totally understand your wish to maintain a good atmosphere in the family. Unfortunately, when we have conflicts with our children, the good family atmosphere can vanish. Sometimes, it naturally comes back quickly but sometimes we actively need to restore it.

It sounds like you and your husband have different styles of handling resistance from your son or on setting boundaries around certain of his actions. There are several aspects to this I find important. First, keep in mind what your overall goal is: to give your son optimal opportunities to learn which behaviors are acceptable in your family and those that are not. It is important that you and your husband act as a unit in front of your son and support each other despite your different approaches. If the two of you are undermining each other’s efforts in his presence, you open the gates for your son to play you against each other.

Second, if your husband’s approach includes not only a harsh tone but also sarcasm, cynicism, belittling, or name-calling, I recommend you talk with him privately, preferably when you don’t have any major conflicts with each other. Belittling, sarcasm, cynicism, and name-calling can be as damaging to a person as physical violence can be and is a form of abuse when done consistently. I strongly recommend avoiding those behaviors. Since this might be a tricky subject to approach with your husband, it is important to discuss and explore, not criticize. Critique often triggers defensiveness and an escalation of the conflict, or it may cause the other person to shut down. That is not what you need and want to create. Instead, you may want to look together at possible negative outcomes that each of your approaches hold and see which interventions get the best results regarding your overall goal. It is not about who’s intervention is right or wrong, it is about which intervention is most successful in teaching your son what you want him to learn. Keep in mind that children need clarity when being taught or disciplined. It is important to be in solidarity with your partner regarding consequences of behavior.

Third, observe if your husband and son are able to fairly quickly restore everyday behavior between them after a discordant incident. If either one struggles too long after the incident and/or carries resentments, you may need to help them smooth the waters. However, if your son’s acting out persists and/or your husband is verbally abusive, there may be a deeper problem and family or parental counseling/coaching might be helpful.

If none of the above is present, try to “go with the flow” when short term atmosphere disturbances happen. Remember, sometimes it can be good for our relationships to experience some stormy weather to clear the air.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris

I have a niece who started drinking in high school in the 80s. She went through a 12-step program 15 years ago and was sober for approximately 5 years. She has been steadily drinking since then. Due to her alcoholism she’s been in and out of jail for DUI’s but always starts drinking as soon as she gets out. I believe at this point, my niece’s brain is so affected by her alcoholism that she has completely lost her capacity for clear thinking, telling the truth and critical judgment. My sister and I are very close and have always been there for her. It hurts me to see my only family members suffering and hurting like they are. We’ve spent endless hours talking to my niece, doing recovery/rehab research and trying everything we can to help her. It feels like we’ve lost her and I have no hope anymore. What can I do to separate myself from all my terrible feelings in connection with my niece (anger, frustration, guilt and sadness) but still be able to support and comfort my sister?

L.

Dear L.

My heart goes out to you, and the rest of your family. It must be very distressing to witness how your niece’s alcoholism/addiction is destroying her and is bringing suffering to the whole family. I can assure you that all the feelings you are experiencing regarding your niece are normal and common for anyone in your situation. I don’t think you need to separate yourself from those feelings. On the contrary, your feelings need to be fully acknowledged and processed. Most people with alcoholism in their families need the help of support groups, friends, family members, and therapists. Do not hesitate to reach out for support and if necessary seek out professional help! I recommend the same for your sister.

I am not an expert on alcoholism and addiction, but I know that it is a complex subject and often deeply rooted in the family history. Your niece’s alcoholism is not just her problem alone, it is a challenge for the whole family as a unit and needs to be handled as such. 

I can only imagine how painful it is to watch your niece making the choices she makes. You may blame yourself for not dealing differently with certain situations involving your niece. Feelings of guilt for having done too much, too little, or the wrong thing will naturally surface, including a sense of helplessness. At the same time, it is never helpful to beat yourself up over things you did in the past. Shame or guilt will not allow you to find solutions, but only more misery. We operate with the knowledge and skills we have AT THE TIME. It is good to know now what you would have done differently. If it feels right to you, perhaps make amends to your sister and niece for mistakes you feel you made in the past.

You may be correct that on some level you have lost your niece and that you cannot do much for her at this point. Your niece’s body and brain may be so affected by her alcoholism that there may be no going back as you have mentioned. The best you and your sister can still do is to model healthy behavior for your niece and be honest with her about how you feel. It sounds like she is not able to accept the help sheneeds in order to heal. You and your family, including your niece, will have to face some very hard truths if the family is to heal and that takes a lot of courage. If you try to engage your niece in this process you will need to detach yourself as much as possible from the outcome. Having empathy for her together with clear boundaries for yourself will keep you from hurting emotionally more than you have to.

I can imagine you are all going through waves of grief as things continue to deteriorate. Grieving involves a range of feelings such as anger, disappointment, sadness, hopelessness, disbelief, helplessness, and finally, hopefully, acceptance. Being able to grieve with your sister will make the process easier for both of you.

Acknowledging the difficult truths in your family, the feelings that come with them, and clearly understanding what you can and cannot do for your niece, will promote your own and your family’s healing processes. While none of this will completely banish the pain and sadness, it may change your approach and conversations you and your sister may have with your niece in the future.

It is good that you and your sister have each other to process some of this challenging task together.

All the best.

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris,

My husband is more of an introvert. He likes to stay home and I like to go out and be social. Those differences bring frustrations on both sides. I have stopped cutting my needs of being social and I participate in a lot of events without my husband. At the same time I miss spending time with him and I know that he would like to spend more time with me too. Is there a way out of this dilemma?

G.

Dear G.

That can truly be a dilemma. I know that many couples experience similar conflicts.

I think there are two risks that could possibly damage the connection between the two of you in the long run. The first one is that we have a tendency to think the other is wrong for being or feeling different. The other risk is giving up our individual hopes and dreams for our partnership and in our lives together.

Let’s look at the first risk. It is so easy to make each other “wrong” for being and feeling differently. And yet we all are different from each other in so many ways. Our differences are often the reasons why we were attracted to each other in the first place. Instead of tendentiously making each other wrong for being different, I recommend you consciously look into the benefits that your differences bring to each other and your partnership. Perhaps have a conversation about what staying at home has to offer and what is attractive about being more of a social butterfly? I am sure that you will find wonderful qualities in each other’s “expertise” if you are open to finding and discussing them. Qualities from which both you as individuals and your partnership can benefit.

Neither of you has to sacrifice his or her hopes and dreams either. Being in a committed relationship means that we naturally will expand each other’s comfort zones. The beauty of your situation is that your differences will enrich each other’s life experience if you both allow and encourage each other to move beyond his or her comfort zone.

I recommend you make a commitment to intentionally go out together and intentionally stay home together in an equal and balanced manner to start. Figure out a schedule that will accommodate both of you. You can do a soft start by letting the person who is being pulled out of his/her comfort zone to choose the event or the activity.

If you learn to accept your differences, you will be able to appreciate what you have to share when you come together after spending time apart.

And last, I want to mention that couples who already have a strong connection and feel strongly supported by each other, usually give first priority to their partnership and the well-being of each other. This does not mean that you have to do everything together but only that you consult with each other regarding time and schedules and when making important decisions.

Enjoy your differences and each other!

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris

I have a very hard time saying no to people. What can I do?

M.

Dear M.

Congratulations that you are noticing how difficult it is for you to say no. And thank you for bringing this issue to my attention. Many of us struggle with it.

There may be a variety of reasons why we struggle with saying no to reasonable requests for our assistance or time. A common reason is that perhaps we were not allowed to say no as children, or when we did, it had unpleasant consequences for us. Some of your difficulties may even be rooted in American culture itself. When I came to the USA (I lived in Switzerland until I was 45), I noticed early on that a yes may not automatically mean yes in this country and that people give you a yes quicker than in my country of origin.

Let me point out two potential dangers when you say yes but really mean no. First, when you ignore your own limits too often by saying yes when you mean no, you can end up resenting the person doing the asking or feel guilty for not telling him or her the truth. Second, when you don’t follow your yes with the appropriate action or response, you may disappoint all parties involved, including yourself. A no may be disappointing as well, but at least the asker knows right away that you are unavailable and can find someone else or another solution. A yes on the other hand naturally fuels expectations and saying no at a later moment can be more disappointing than a no in the first place.

Whatever the underlying cause of your difficulties, I recommend you explore the feelings you create in yourself and around your relationships with others when you say yes and you are not certain you can deliver on your promise. Notice the feelings that cause you to say yes in the first place. Also, what is your biggest fear of saying no? What do you do when you realize that you can’t live up to your agreement? Finally, what happens to your relationships with people when you often say yes but can’t or don’t complete the task?

When you do the above exercise you will probably discover that saying yes when you may not feel like saying yes has immediate positive but longer term negative aspects. Being limited to saying no would also impact you negatively. Both limitations can harm you and your relationships. I think being truthful with yourself and what you can and want to do is the best policy here. A good rule of thumb is when you realize that you can’t keep your commitment, let the other person know as soon as possible.

Here’s to more mindful “yes-es” and “no-s” in our world!

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris

What do you do when you feel envious or resentful of the good things that are happening for your partner when you really want to feel pride and pleasure and happiness at your partner’s success?

K.

Dear K.

Congratulations on being so honest with yourself by noticing what you actually feel, despite the fact that you would like to feel differently. That you can acknowledge what is really going on in your heart and mind is courageous and healthy.

The fact that you are feeling some resentment tells me that you may have let slip your own desires and dreams for a while. Perhaps you have been supporting your partner in his/her endeavors to achieve success by ignoring your own desires.

If so, I think it is time for you to take a closer look at what feels unfulfilled in your life. What are your dreams regarding your career and personal life? Do you have any projects that you have put on hold, such as a special training on a subject close to your heart, traveling, writing, or giving one of your hobbies more attention?

In my personal life and work, I use jealousy as an indicator of what we ourselves would like to be doing, being, or accomplishing. It is important that we allow ourselves to explore our own needs regarding success and fulfillment. We can use our jealousy as an inspiration to expand ourselves and move forward. I’m sure your partner had to take some risks to get where he or she is today and so will you in order to live your dreams.

I recommend that you first figure out what it is you would like to accomplish; how you would like to grow yourself and expand your life. You might do that alone or explore possibilities with your partner depending on how you process things as a couple. In any case, share your discoveries with your partner and ask if she or he would be supportive of the changes you have in mind. I am fairly confident your partner will be more than happy to be there for you. When you feel more fulfilled yourself, you may be able to enjoy your partner’s success as you wish to do now. Hopefully, the two of you will have many future successes to celebrate together.

I almost forgot. If you contributed to your partner’s success by carrying most of the daily load for a while, give yourself a big pat on the shoulder. Holding the space free for him or her is huge. I’m sure your partner is aware of it too. On that note, you already have a lot to celebrate together.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com