Category Archives: Relationship Ins & Outs

Dear Doris

What are your thoughts about being in touch with “exes” while in a committed relationship?

G.

Dear G

Thank you very much for reaching out to me with a question that may involve feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. I think it is wonderful that you are in a committed relationship again. Being committed is a good foundation for any relationship. As usual, there is no one answer to your question. However, there is much to explore with your new partner and within yourselves around vulnerable feelings that may suddenly show up when an “ex” does. Whether noticed by you or not, these feelings can impact your new partnership.

We all bring our own relationship and life experiences into a new partnership. Like ghosts, our ex-partners can influence our interactions with our new partners and can impact our new partnerships whether they are physically there or not. For instance, they might “visit” us when we get intimate with our new partners, or plan our first vacation together, or (fill in the blank). Acknowledging this phenomenon and discussing it together will help you to be better prepared when it occurs.

You can start preparing by answering the following questions together:

-Are you both able to recognize and understand how seeing an ex-partner affects each of you and your new partnership?

-How do each of you feel about your ex-partners, positively or negatively?

-What feelings or reactions do each of you notice the most? Are you able to share them openly with each other?

-In which situations may your ex-partners show up like ghosts and influence you? How quickly do you pick up on the emotional signals?

Independent of your answers to the questions above, the two of you will have to decide how you want your “exes” (and the feelings they stir up in you) to impact your new partnership. Many of us are not aware that we have a choice here, but we do. You can choose to let past experiences and feelings about your previous partner bring conflict and insecurity to your new partnership, or you can let those old feelings serve as a source of information to deepen your understanding and connection with your new partner.

Whatever happened to us in the past we can create new actions and reactions. Old feelings and experiences need not to cloud our new partnership. The more open to your own feelings the two of you are, and the more each of you can avoid judging those feelings, the better your chances are that seeing an ex-partner will be a good experience. One that can actually deepen the connection in your new partnership and the understanding with each other as new partners.

Allow yourselves to be vulnerable with each other. Come up with strategies that will support both of you if either experiences feelings of insecurity, jealousy, abandonment, anger, sadness, hurt, etc. It can truly help to know what kinds of feelings you both carry toward old relationships and partners. Although we are always responsible for our own feelings, we can support each other in processing them. Sometimes, setting clear boundaries toward “exes” can be helpful.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris

I am a young hearted and spirited elder and I am open for a loving relationship – a friend, companion, lover. With a ratio of nine women to one man available what do you suggest?

L.

Dear L.

Statistics like that can be discouraging and may not even be accurate. On the other hand, you state that you are young at heart and ready and open for a new love relationship in your life. Why not go for it? You have a choice here: Let the statistics discourage you or let your young and spirited heart take the lead. I’m sure your heart still has dreams and hopes no matter what your age.

The beginning of a new year is a perfect time to focus on your hopes and dreams. Think and/or journal about what kind of relationship you would like to create with this new friend, companion, or lover. Envision what you would like to do together and what kind of a person he or she might be. What type of conversations and discussions might you have? What would stir your excitement in the relationship? What kind of atmosphere would exist between the two of you most often: humorous, sweet, understanding, …? How much time would you like to spend together and how much time alone or with others would you like to have? Utilizing your elder wisdom, imagine how you would work out your disagreements differently in this new relationship. What might that feel like?

Keep your dreams close to your heart and continue to elaborate on them. When you have a clear sense of what you would like to create, here are some options you can try. Some people enjoy interacting with others over the internet using dating platforms. Others like to spend time getting to know other people at social events. It is best to be open to all kinds of people and not just focus on people you might like to date. You may want to trust a good friend to “set you up” with someone he or she believes might be a good match for you. You may discover that someone you already know has loving relationship potential.

I personally believe that finding a good match is a mix of being ready and open for a relationship, making yourself available and your intentions known to others, and a portion of good luck. Prepare yourself as best you can on your end, and trust that your dreams can come true.

Good luck for a fulfilling 2015!!!

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris,

I have lost a lot of loved ones in the last years. I am not looking forward to the upcoming holidays. I don’t even feel like celebrating. It seems so hard to get away from those holidays. Everywhere I go there are signs of them.

R.

Dear R.

My heart goes out to you for your losses! The upcoming holiday season can be challenging for many, but especially for those like you who have lost loved ones. You can get swept away by grief or it may feel like you have to let your loved ones go all over again and make peace with the fact that they have passed on. Know that you are not alone in experiencing feelings like that.

In my eyes, you are already doing the best you can by honestly acknowledging and expressing how the holidays make you feel. If it feels right to you, allow yourself to not celebrate this year, at least not in the usual way. When we experience grief, it is especially important that we stay true to our feelings. Other people’s expectations have to wait. I call this taking good care of yourself and that is what you need to do right now. Think about what would serve you best this year. Would you prefer to be alone over the holidays or would you prefer to have company? Perhaps a mix of both?

If you choose to be alone, figure out how and where you would like to spend your time with the intention of being especially loving and gentle toward yourself. When grief strikes you, try to find a joyous way to honor and remember the loved ones you miss so much. Let your connection with your loved ones and your own creativity be your guides. And last, if being alone doesn’t work out the way you were hoping, I recommend you have a plan B just in case. If you feel the need for company, don’t hesitate to reach out to others. Share your thoughts and feelings about the upcoming holidays with a person you feel close to and trust, and ask if he or she could be your “holidays” ally. Be honest and straight forward with your needs. Remember how good it feels when others ask you to support them in a specific way.

If you choose to be with others, find out ahead of time who might be available. Check out what is going on in your community and nearby that interests or sounds fun to you, and find out whom you could ask along if you don’t want to go by yourself.

When we are in touch with our needs and with what is meaningful to us, the commercial world or what others think, affects us less.

Here are some examples that others have shared with me or I found helpful in coping with the holidays while grieving. May they inspire you to discover what the best course of action is for you: Treat yourself to a nice meal with candle light and your favorite music. Take a warm bath. Go for a hike. Journal (about what made your loved ones so special or write them a letter and share with them your thoughts). Read, draw, look at old pictures, cook your loved one’s favorite dishes and/or drink their favorite wine. Start the special project that has been on hold for years. You may want to invite friends for dinner or volunteer to help out at a soup kitchen or walk dogs at an animal shelter or …

I hope that you will find a way to turn the upcoming holidays into a good experience despite your losses.

Happy Holidays to you and everyone else! And a Happy New Year!

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris

My partner wants to have sex every other day, while I would be happy with having sex every other week, maybe even once a month, depending on how busy I am at work. I feel a lot of pressure which makes everything worse, although fundamentally I like to have sex with my partner.

N.

Dear N.

It’s good you’re noticing the pressure you feel around having sex and understand how this is not helpful to you or the relationship. Be aware that many couples struggle with this same issue. It’s actually rare that partners have the same sexual needs or desires at the same time. As your example indicates, sexual needs can vary quite a bit. The good news is that you say you fundamentally enjoy having sex with your partner.

You mention that your desire for sex is colored by how much stress you experience at work. Stress seems to have a negative influence on your sex drive (as it does for many of us.) First, make sure you are getting enough sleep and self-care time, which will give you more energy to interact with your partner in general and also sexually. Some of us keep ourselves busy as a way to avoid sex while others don’t understand the importance of “alone time” and self-care. These types of busy-ness can all interfere with our sexuality. If you think that any of the above behaviors are part of your difficulties, you may want to reconsider your priorities and where having sex with your partner lies in importance.

Second, have you talked with your partner about your difficulties yet? It may be the perfect time to talk honestly about your sex life and start exploring it together again. Share with your partner how pressured you feel around sex and that you want to change that. Tell him or her how much you enjoy having sex together. Share particularly memorable sexual experiences you enjoyed with your partner.

Third, you may each want to rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten, ten being the most satisfying and vibrant. Ask each other questions about what you feel is lacking in your sexual life and what you each fantasize about? How could you take better care of your sexual life together? What would you need from each other to do that, how can you support each other better? In other words, make your sex life your new common project.

For a lot of people, having sex is the easiest and quickest way to relax and feel connected, but it is not the only way. If sex is not working well, you may feel disconnected even more. It can be tricky. In general, I recommend you both look for multiple ways to relax and (re)connect.

Sex should not be a chore. Sex is a way to interact, to explore yourself and each other, an expression of yourself and often your love. For committed couples, sex is also a mutual celebration of each other and their relationship together.

Warmly

Doris

 If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com

Dear Doris,

I understand that in order to be in a healthy relationship we must tend to our own needs first so that we are healthy as we can be. This has been one of the most difficult things for me to learn to do as I wasn’t raised that way but to think of others’ needs first. Do you have any recommendations/tools/practices on how one changes such behavior? 

L.

Dear L.

I think it all comes down to being able to choose consciously between your needs and those of others. When we are in healthy relationships, we do things for each other because we want to and we enjoy it. It’s a flow of giving and receiving. It sounds like you are not yet comfortable with choosing your needs and desires first. Be assured, you already have taken the most important step into this new direction. You are aware of what is going on and of what you would like to change. That is a wonderful start!!!

Here are some effective questions to ask yourself: “Do I feel obligated to do that, can I say no, or can I do it later at a more convenient time?” If you continuously do things out of obligation and neglect your own needs, you risk the danger of resenting that person or yourself for doing something that you feel forced to do. Carrying around resentments can easily hurt the relationship you have with that person in the long run. In your situation, I recommend you take a moment before you cater to another’s needs and ask yourself: “Do I really want to do that?” If your answer is yes, ask yourself: “When is a good time for me to do it?” If the answer is no, then don’t. Of course, in emergency situations we often can’t choose, we must act, but most of the time we have a choice.

It will take some practice before taking care of your own needs can become a new habit of yours. For now, I recommend you to invest your energy into the questions above. Take your time to answer them for yourself. Not only will you profit, but the relationships you have with others will prosper as well. It might be interesting for you to journal or pay attention to the feelings and thoughts that come up when you start attending to your needs first.

Do not be surprised if you encounter shame, guilt, and/or feelings of being selfish. A lot of people confuse self-care with being selfish. Being in a relationship and taking care of our own needs can be a complex process. If it gets difficult for you to stick to your new practice, think about how you and the people around you will profit when you feel less “put upon” and when you are taking care of yourself. Think about how your relationships will be much stronger when resentments have no ground in which to grow. 

Next, give yourself a time frame to practice this new behavior. Evaluate your feelings and your progress after this designated time period and decide whether you want to prolong it or not. If you want, you can inform the other person of your new practice. It may help him or her to better understand what you’re trying to achieve. Most important, make it a fun learning experience for yourself and forgive yourself if you have any relapses. Remember to celebrate your successes, even if they seem small.

Warmly,

Doris

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com