Dear Doris
My husband and I argue a lot about money. What’s there to do?
S.
Dear S.
First of all, be aware that money is one of the four most common issues couples argue about. The other three are sex, children, and in-laws (or other family members). In other words, you may be surprised how many other couples are arguing about money like you.
If you have been following my blog, you may remember the concept I presented in one of them, that everyone is right, but only from their own perspectives. This concept is true around money as well.
As a first step, I recommend you to stop making each other “wrong” for your different perspectives on money. As a second step, I invite the two of you to examine your own perspectives more closely. Remember, we usually learn about money and how to handle it from the family systems we grew up in.
Often, we are not even conscious about our perspectives and the roles they play but they have formed how we handle money.
To give you an example: Some people have learned to make sure that money is being used in a conservative and smart way, so it will last as long as possible. Their roles in their relationships will be “to be the one that conserves money”. Other people have learned it is more fun to get a lot of joy and pleasure out of money and to spend more freely. Their roles in their relationships will be to “guarantee that you enjoy money and have fun.” Those are two completely different perspectives on money. Both of their embedded roles have value in your lives and your relationships can profit from them, depending on the situation. The above two perspectives are the most common ones, but there are more.
I invite you to become curious about the way you look at money and about the roles you play depending on your perspectives. Be aware, when you argue about money, you are arguing about the roles you play. It is not about you as people.
Carrying roles that come with our perspectives can be tiring, especially if they no longer work well for us. Sometimes it really helps to take them off like a coat. In your imagination, you may want to put those old roles down on a chair and see how you feel without carrying them. Perhaps by getting rid of those embedded roles for a moment, you will see your money issues in a new light. Perhaps, together, you will find your own brand new way of dealing with money. Ask yourselves, what combination of roles works best in your current situation with the income you have? Who is best equipped to manage which role?
Warmly,
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com