In the West, according to the definition in Wikipedia, Valentine’s Day is the traditional day on which lovers and others express their love for each other by sending cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionaries.

Valentine’s Day, similar to other holidays and birthdays, is a day that can trigger all kinds of expectations among couples. Expectations that can turn into disappointments, especially when we let ourselves be influenced too much by the commercial aspect of the day. I would like to invite you to celebrate part or all of Valentine’s Day outside of the commercial or expected avenues.

This year, take a closer look at what love means to you in a partnership and what makes you feel loved and appreciated the most. For fun, I asked different people, men and women, in Willits “What does love mean to you?” Here are some of their answers:

Love means

… compromise and tenderness.

… complete acceptance and respect for another person.

… sacrifice, joy, pain and suffering, silver lining.

… flannel sheets.

… devotion, continuity, loyalty.

… putting up with everything, good or bad.

… my husband, my children, and laughter.

… never giving up.

… understanding somebody else’s soul.

… uninhibited acts of kindness.

… flowing together.

… always forgive.

… unconditional chocolate.

… being married to my best friend.

… opening my heart and letting myself be filled.

… being comfortable, supported, nurtured, and challenged to grow into new parts of myself.

With your partner, take a moment on Valentine’s Day and play with the following questions at home, after the children are in bed, outside on a walk, in your favorite restaurant, or whatever works best for you. First, ask each other the same question, “What does love mean for you?”

Allow your answer(s) to come more from your gut and heart than your brain and share them with each other. They do not have to sound good or be profound. They can be funny, or surprising, like the flannel sheets or the unconditional chocolate mentioned above. Pick the answer that is most important to you and then ask yourselves (I am using the flannel sheets as an example), “When and how does our relationship feel like flannel sheets?” Discuss how you can create more “flannel sheet” moments in your relationship. Make sure you both take a turn with your answer.

Afterward, reflect together on what was new for you, what touched you the most to hear. Last, but very important, come up with a concrete first step the two of you can practice to make a difference in your relationship as a result of this conversation. Starting today is always best.

My point of view is that it is important to express your love more than one day a year on Valentine’s Day. Having expectations can actually get in the way of expressing and receiving love genuinely. You are the expert on what love means to you. You might want to use this exercise to learn how you can deepen your love for each other all the time. Love has no price and never has to cost a dime.

Happy Valentines’s Day!